Saddam's Body Doubles
The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first.
Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."
"And the bad news?" they ask.
Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."
Iraq vs. Vietnam
Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
Three Brazilian Soldiers
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
What Is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."
This is the joke I have thought up:
Obama's song (rephrasing "Alabama Song" by "The Doors")
"Oh show me the way, the way to your hearts ...
Oh, I don't ask why ...
Oh, I don't ask why ...
For if I don't get into White House,
I tell you it won't be fine , I tell you it won't be fine.
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you it won't be fine.
Oh moon of Alabama, we tell McCain "Goodbye",
We'll love our good old mama,
I must get into White House, oh, you know why."
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Quotes
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
and Dance like no one's watching
Success is a relative term
It brings so many relatives.
"It's so hard to say au revoir,
So let's just say hors d'oeurve."
Martin Mull
Early to bed, early to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys.
"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow
'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."
Jay Leno
"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers
after four kisses."
H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
"The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get
sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
Jeff Foxworthy
Love like you've never been hurt,
and Dance like no one's watching
Success is a relative term
It brings so many relatives.
"It's so hard to say au revoir,
So let's just say hors d'oeurve."
Martin Mull
Early to bed, early to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys.
"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow
'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."
Jay Leno
"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers
after four kisses."
H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
"The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get
sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
Jeff Foxworthy
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Miscellaneous
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I'm chasing away the elephants.
-Chasing elephants? There aren't elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!
Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately .
"10...9...8...7..."
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I’ll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don’t pay attention to him - he’s a smart butt when he’s drunk." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I'm chasing away the elephants.
-Chasing elephants? There aren't elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!
Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately .
"10...9...8...7..."
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I’ll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don’t pay attention to him - he’s a smart butt when he’s drunk." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Women's language
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Questions and answers
Q: Where do cows go on Fridays?
A: To the Moooovies
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: "Because they can't remember the words!"
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.
Q. Why does a cow wear a bell?
A. Because his horn doesn't work!
Q: How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Q: Why can't you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time?
A: Because they'd only have one pair of trunks.
Q: What kind of animal hates to do its laundry the most?
A: A Leopard because he has so many spots.
A: To the Moooovies
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: "Because they can't remember the words!"
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.
Q. Why does a cow wear a bell?
A. Because his horn doesn't work!
Q: How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Q: Why can't you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time?
A: Because they'd only have one pair of trunks.
Q: What kind of animal hates to do its laundry the most?
A: A Leopard because he has so many spots.
About Little Johnny
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.'"
"But that's right!" The father replied.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father.
"That's what I said!"
Four-year-old little Johnny
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.'"
"But that's right!" The father replied.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father.
"That's what I said!"
Four-year-old little Johnny
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
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